Unromanticizing Love

Well, I know it sounds bizarre, but if you read along you will realize that it actually makes sense and we should clue in on this.

Oxford Dictionary defines Romanticizing as:

Dealing with or describing in an idealized or unrealistic fashion; to make (something) seem better or more appealing than it really is

Therein lies the problem.

Initial disclaimer before I offend anyone: there is nothing wrong in being a hopeless romantic & having faith in the fact that one day we will find our one true love and that having found it nothing will trouble us anymore. I myself am one but also being a closet realist I believe that our proclivity to romanticize is the root cause of our misery. We’re all just secretly obsessed with love. But there, there. To feel better about ourselves, we can say that we can’t really blame ourselves for this fixation; we are after all cognitive beings. This in essence means that we consciously & sub-consciously perceive things from our surroundings. Social media is not helping at all. All we see there is how people are truly in love (even if they met 2 weeks ago) & are getting hitched to their “ONE & ONLYs” (no matter how many of these “ONE & ONLYs” have come & gone). There are pre-wedding video shoots costing more than a third world country’s GDP. Not only this, but the books we read, the songs we hear, the shows we watch (not Black Mirror), the movies, etc. Without a doubt all this sells, but it is increasingly designed to make us feel inadequate & delude us. I am not saying we need to avoid anything & everything around us; all I am saying is we need to be objective about it.

Two major fallacies come to mind when thinking about it:

  • Me before you (**rolling my eyes over the cheesiness**!)

When we romanticize we tend to put someone on a pedestal. We feel that love is all we need & that the right person will know how to love us. They will break down our walls & save us; make us love & cherish ourselves. That person ceases to become a person, because we use our imagination to construct a character. We envisage them as the stars in the movie of our life. In reality they are the protagonists of their own narratives, one that began long before us, and there exist parts of them that we could never have imagined and are not a part of. They exist on their own, beyond our mindfulness. They’ve had experiences that shape and determine their ideals, bearings and reactions.

We need to understand that we are the leads in our life and it needs to stay like this forever, anybody else can only have a supporting role. No one will help us if we don’t help ourselves, not even God (atheists please ignore). They can love us, cherish us, inspire us, and invigorate us but it will still not be enough if you don’t do that for yourself. It should be you before them. Their importance in not diminished by the former statement, but our significance in our lives is highlighted.

  • All you need is Love (♪♫)

I am sorry people, but this just sounds good as a song. You definitely need love, but that’s not all you need. Love won’t fix all of your problems and giving love away won’t fix someone else’s. Love cannot be your life’s goal. It comes and goes, no matter how strong it was. We need more substantive targets than that.  For those of us lucky enough to find a love that stayed, just loving one another will not keep any relationship afloat, it takes effort, reciprocal. Love does not exist just as a feeling. It is an action, something you have control over; it must be done as deliberately and consistently as making the bed every morning. We do not find our soulmates. We create them, become their’s.

In conclusion, all I am saying is if you’re holding out for something out of a romance novel, you should probably take it down a notch. Just a notch though, we don’t want to lose our spark, the one that makes us dreamers…



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